Transitions

Characters: You
Me

You: Have you ever been to Illinois?
Me: You're always talking about going places, celebrate where you've been.
You: Cliche much?
Me: I was listening to a woman talk about the denigration of language in the United States. She said the change happened because people all have TV. I think people used language to entertain themselves before because thats all they had. Can you imagine how thrilling it must have been for the first human to grunt. That must have been like hearing Mahler's second for the first time.
You: Why are you telling me this, is the cable out?
Me: Yeah, funny, that's exactly what she was talking about. If you didn't have TV you'd have said something acerbating and approbate.
You: What was that, assterbate? Was that one of your word of the day emails?
Me: I said acerbating, you jack ass, and so what if it was one my words of the day. I'm trying to be smart.
You: What from the internet. A form of media using television like screens. You're right television is making you stupid.
Me: You're right, I guess intellect cannot be trusted after all Charlie Rose is one of the smartest guys I know.
You: Yeah, I'm not so familiar with him. Is he on CSPAN?
Me: PBS
You: Oh even worse. God I hate smart TV. Give me "The More you Know commercials and I'm good."
Me: And I'm the cliche?
You: Yeah a regular Henry David Thoreau.
Me: Yeah...well I'm off to do wash at Mom's house!
You: I don't get it...

Dishes

Characters: Tonda
Fred

(Fred washing several day old dishes coated in oatmeal, hums Oasis' Wonder Wall to self)
(Tonda enters and puts key on a hook and then suddenly appears bewildered)
Tonda: Why are you washing dishes with your pants around your ankles?
Fred: Umm, oh they just fell down and I hadn't bothered to pull them back up.
Tonda: How did they fall down?
Fred: Ah, oh I had just come out of the bathroom and hadn't done my pants up yet.
Tonda: So you didn't bother to do your pants up. You exit the bathroom, start doing dishes and your khakis fall to the ground?
Fred: No, um my pants fell down as I was leaving the bathroom and then I walked to the sink to do dishes.
Tonda: (pause) Did you wash your hands?
(Pause)
Tonda: Gross
Fred: Well I'm cleaning the dishes with soap.
Tonda: Great so you're washing the dishes with dawn and fecal matter. You can stop doing the dishes now. I don't need your help.
Fred: God, why do you have to be so condescending. I hate it when you degrade me.
Tonda: I'm sorry but can we pull you're pants up before we have this conversation. It's hard not to talk to you like your two when your rubbing poop into my pots.
Fred: Oh, so I'm the one that's juvenile?
Tonda: Wow, I think you're giving yourself a little too much esteem. Right now I would describe you as toddleresque.
Fred: That's it I'm outta here. I'm the one trying to help, I'm the one trying to talk to "You." So the next time you say I stonewall remember this...(he storms out while pulling his pants up)
Tonda: (yelling) yeah I'll remember it as I'm throwing these dishes out bastard.

Awkward

Characters: A

B

A: I’m real awkward

B: So am I

A: What brings you to the bench?

B: Why, I am here to murder you.

A: How unpleasant!

B: Life is full of these types of events. In fact most the things I do could be characterized as unpleasant.

A: You’re not awkward, you’re dreadful!

B: Must everything be so exclamatory. I am simply here to do a task that I have been employed to complete. Listen, everyone must die. I view this as a blessing in disguise. You know before hand whom and when you shall die.

A: Well not really. You’ve simply told me that you are going to “snuff,” that is what you call it in you trade, “snuff?”

B: Um, oh yes, “snuff,”…yes, quite

A: Well you’ve told me you’re going to “snuff” me out, But I haven’t the foggiest when it shall happen or how.

B: Well lets play a little game and I shall allow you to discover the methods of your mortality.

A: How Awful!

B: You’re being passionate again. On what day was Hiroshima bombed?

A: Um, I would wager that any normal man would have no idea that date but, it just do happens that I am the nephew of Niels Bohr, Danish Physicist who helped discover the proper proportions of U238 needed to begin a chain reaction.

B: This is the day you will die.

A: Tomorrow!!

B: One more outburst and I do believe I shall strangle you on this park bench with God and these pigeons as my witness’

A: silence

B: The method will involve corks from wine bottles originating in the year 1912.

A: How Bourgeois…

B: Why thank you, I am glad to see a respecter of imaginative corpse developing.

A: Well shall I be off?

B: Oh, yes, do take care. Send the children my love.

A: Tomorrow?

B: Tomorrow? Oh, yes, tomorrow.